Battling the Butterflies
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Take it from someone who has battled with anxiety for years - staying positive is one of the most difficult things to do.
I remember feeling "butterflies" in my stomach every morning on my way to elementary school, on a normal day. I remember feeling "butterflies" when I was about to step into the big cafeteria for lunch time. I remember getting a little queasy when it was time to answer a simple science question in middle school, or right before I was about to start my 1.8 mile cross country race. I remember deciding not to go to school dances because I was too nervous. I remember sitting in my Advanced Biology course in high school when I had my first panic attack. I quietly sneaked out of the classroom, knowing that something was wrong and I needed to pay more attention to it.
Nervousness was my normal. I was constantly taking deep breaths to try to alleviate the pressure, my legs were constantly shaking, and I was always worried about what others thought of me. Now that I'm older and I have been granted the opportunity to look back on those years, I feel like a lot of those feelings generated from the fear of inadequacy. Not being good enough, someone being disappointed in me, hurting someone's feelings - these are all things I would have nightmares about. Nevertheless, it took me a long time to realize that I didn't deserve to feel this way and I needed to dig myself out.
Don't get me wrong, this didn't happen overnight. I needed to do a little bit of growing up and a lot of evaluation. I needed to pin point the exact moments that would make me tick. I needed to determine what the source of my anxiety was and how I could avoid those sources for my own well being. The last, and most important piece, was facing those fears and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Anxiety was my worst enemy and best friend all at the same time. I hated her but spent more time with her than anyone/thing else. She knew me better than anyone else and what it took to push me over the edge. I wanted so badly to cut her out of my life but needed to give myself time to do it the right way.
I tried speaking with a therapist, once, just once - not for me. I tried self-soothing, who am I kidding? That would never work. I also tried speaking to my friends about it but it's hard for someone without extreme anxiety to understand how it feels.
Don't get me wrong, this didn't happen overnight. I needed to do a little bit of growing up and a lot of evaluation. I needed to pin point the exact moments that would make me tick. I needed to determine what the source of my anxiety was and how I could avoid those sources for my own well being. The last, and most important piece, was facing those fears and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Anxiety was my worst enemy and best friend all at the same time. I hated her but spent more time with her than anyone/thing else. She knew me better than anyone else and what it took to push me over the edge. I wanted so badly to cut her out of my life but needed to give myself time to do it the right way.
I tried speaking with a therapist, once, just once - not for me. I tried self-soothing, who am I kidding? That would never work. I also tried speaking to my friends about it but it's hard for someone without extreme anxiety to understand how it feels.
"Well just avoid those situations for the rest of your life... it's easy," they would say.
Yeah... not so easy when family parties and social outings are some of the worst triggers. I didn't want to be that person who always stayed home because she has anxiety.
That brings up another point. It's easy for those without anxiety to look at it as an excuse. An excuse not to go out, an excuse not to try new things, just an excuse. That was really frustrating to me. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into new situations and places. The thought of feeling the anxiety for hours at a time made me physically sick to my stomach and looked at normal social outings and gatherings as some form of medieval torture. I didn't want to feel the pain so I tried not to. That simple.
To this day, I feel nervous often but it is a much more controlled way. I thank my fiance for all of his support in helping me through tough situations and walking me through showing me that everything is A-OK from start to finish. He's just the best.
I am a Type A Planner, don't like to be late, and obsess over the little things (trying to get better at this). I feel free these days, though. I feel happier, lighter, and fresh.
Don't worry if you have anxiety. I did, and do. I know how you feel. You are not alone. <3
If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone who understands, please reach out to me.
carson3elaine {at} gmail {dot} com
XO
Carson Elaine
0 comments